Just a game

How do you face life?
Do you go under the You Only Live Once flag? or are meticulous and try to think ahead? if so, how far ahead?
In my case I face life as a game.

One game I really do hate playing is chess, after a certain amount of moves I already know the outcome of the match (win or loose), therefore it turns boring. When something becomes boring I look for the fastest way out of it, in chess, it means to make the most stupid moves possible, without making it obvious, so I loose. It may sound stupid, but I don't care for another win.


One game I really do love is Warhammer, be it on table or digital, it has a bit of everything, strategy, luck, knowledge, I can keep playing that game for hours and never get bored. I may even have all my units pinned down, or be in a complete lock, and I will still be having fun.

Life is that for me, a good match of a really interesting and complex strategy game. I plan ahead several moves, and all the possible outcomes to them, but its impossible to look up until the end of the match, there are just to many variables to take into account.

Currently I'm facing one of that moments on the game when you have to choose to play it safe or make a dangerous move, both have positive and negative possible outcomes, and the chances are well divided between them. I may choose road A and the possible outcomes are A1, A2, A3, and I could continue counting for I have calculated 15 different panoramas. The same applies for option B, and all the possible outcomes. But where is the catch? I MUST make a move, and the time is against me, I must make a decision and time is running up.

Road A is, to call it somehow a "safe" road, for it has a lot of variables to which I already know the values, so half of the work is done but it includes a certain amount of emotional load I wish I could get rid of.
Road B is the new and unexplored road, a road for which I know no values, the level of uncertainty is way higher than on the first option, but includes no emotional load I wish to make disappear.

If I were to make this decision in a game I would most likely take option B, just for the fun of something new, but being it my life, I can't consider just having fun, I must consider other factors, and I have come to a mental blockade. I see no easy way out of this, and for the first time in my life I don't know what to do.

Some people push me towards option A, others towards option B, but swinging between both is driving me crazy.

Funny thing is, if the correct person just said "yes" the option would be pretty obvious, but how can someone give an answer to something that has never been asked?

Now you must be saying, "are you fucking stupid? just make the question and that's it!", well it ain't that simple, making the question would involve taking one of the previously stated options, and there is the dilemma itself.
I need the answer to make a decision, but the question can only be asked once a path has been chosen.


Penny for your thoughts?

Drift

Have you ever felt that you are drifting away from reality? that everything you knew starts to feel unreal, almost unnatural? that moment when you don't know if you are awake or asleep?

Well, lately I've been feeling that way, here but there, now but then. Everything seems to move in a different speed, everything seems to be lighter.

I wonder what has made me feel this way.

Conversation.

Every now and then, the biggest dilemmas of our life get reduced to just one question, do you have faith?
The strange thing of this moments is that when they come most people will try to answer that they do have faith, and then plead to god for some help.
In my case, since I don't believe in any kind of god, I must think quite a lot before answering that kind of questions.
-Do I have Faith?
-No
-Why?
-you never specified faith in what, therefore when nothing is specified, the answer is no.
-faith in god?
-no
-faith in people?
-used to have faith that people were constantly evolving, improving, and would learn from their mistakes, but that is lost, at least for now.
-faith in yourself?
-No. I do know I'm really good at some things, but do not have faith in me.
-Faith in a master plan?
-No
-Do you have any kind of faith? Any kind would do.
-once again I must answer no.
-What do you think will happen with humanity then, if you have no faith at all?
-Sad to say, I believe that we are fucked. All of humanity will be thrown into the claws of oblivion one of this days, and there will be no record to indicate we ever existed.
-Isn't your line of thought a little bit over pessimistic?
-I'm not pessimistic, I'm realistic. We kill each other, we steal from each other, we cheat, we lie, and I could continue enumerating.
-But what about love, compassion, and all the good people around the world?
-Let me ask you something, how many innocents died in "Holy" wars? how many innocents died when one country invaded another one to fight for their freedom, but  all they cared about was their natural resources? Do the maths, one saved do not compensate for hundreds. In the greater picture, we are fucked.
-...
-yes.
-... I guess that would be all then
-as you wish.
-I feel like killing my self now.
-Please don't, you are part of me.
-Aw, you care for me...
-Actually no, but you are a voice inside my head, and there is a great chance that by killing yourself you would actually hurt me.
-ah, touche mon ami, or should I say, my host?

have a good night.