Explaining

Before all I would like to thank the anonymous that left a response to my previous post, but even though I'm thankful for the words of compassion there is something that you missed, or probably misinterpreted.
I'm 28, male, and married; if for some reason I write as if I were a 16 year old kid with suffering from depression it's just a small story through which I'm trying to make a point. I know that the depression can be considered a sickness if there is no real reason for it, and there are medications for it. The emo kids are just another urban tribe that try to make their place in the world by showing who knows what, sadness? sadness for what I ask my self. I really don't understand them.
If you ask me if there was a time in my life when I thought about suicide, the answer would be yes, I have no problem admitting it. Almost 15 years ago I was going through an emotional crisis, classic teenage crisis, first love lost, and all that crap, back then I thought that there could be no greater sorrow than that and that I would never be able to over come it, but guess what, I was wrong.
Looking back now from where I stand I can almost lough at that situations, I remember a friend telling me, the best solution for a broken heart, is some Heavy Metal, so we started going to some concerts. Loud music, people jumping, hitting each other and an occasional police run once the show was over. A couple of months later I had forgotten all the pain and suffering that that lady had caused me, and I was ready to move on.
The thing is, suicide is never the answer, but in case that you are really thinking about suicide, go seek professional help. And if you are not even considering the idea, stop acting as if you were as. That's what bothers me about emo kids, they act suicidal, but have no intention on doing so.
It's more than obvious at this point that I had forgotten what I was originally going to write about (this happens to me a lot) but in any case, I'm going to try and explain why all my writing end in some kind of death. or start with a death.
During all our life we wonder why we are here, what are we supposed to do, and don't bring me that "God's divine plan" shit because I don't buy it.
I do believe that on the final moments of our life we are faced to the ultimate truth, a moment of revelation. A point in which we see where we come from and where we go to. We are to return, sooner or later, to the universe itself, so when we are about to die we can finally see the universe itself, on a whole different level, not as a mere observer, but as an important and vital part of it.
So yes I do consider death as an important part in life, and I really appreciate it, and this is something most people don't do. Why do we enjoy life? why do we love, play, interact with other people? Because in the end we'll die.
If death was optional, then living would be pointless, why should I care what I do, why should I worry about anything if I can't die?
Death same as birth give meaning to our life, and we are what we are thanks to it, so there you are this is the idea I try to show through my stories.

Slow

Today I had one of those eternal days at the office, the time felt as if it had decided to stop.
Anyway there was a reason for this post, but I'm unable to remember what it was, so here is a short storie, as always it will be an improvisation and no real thought will be placed into it... let's see what we can come out with.

I'm a 16 year old girl. I come from a loving famly in the suburbia outside one of the major cities in the country I live in. I was born and raised under the catholic creed. I never lacked anything, and have a preaty much acceptable body build. Nothing of this makes up to the feeling of loneliness I feel inside of me, in my soul, I feel alone, always sad and unmotivated. Nothing seems to chear me up, I go through the days as if it was just a dream, I feel I have no place in this world. The only moment I feel alive is when I feel pain, and that's why I cut myself.
I see my blood dripping from my leg, I see all the scars in my leg, and they appear to be unreal.
Every day the same routine, whenever I feel down I hide and cut myself and every day the relief I get from it reduces, I know some day this will meen nothing as well and I'll need to find something new.
Until then I'll continue to drift through life as I;ve been doing so far.
//Author Note - Fucking emos, why on earth am I writing this??? Let us make a quick drift on the speed of the text, that will impact on the speed you reed it.
Walking back home, drifting as always. a homeless asks me for a coin. I tell him no, and I move algong. I feel him walking behind me, closing in, each step I take. A strong hand grips me by the arm, and shoves me towards a wall. My clothes are being torn apart, my womanhood broke, my innocence lost. With closed eyes i star hitting and shouting, I know ther will be no answer.
I beel something cold in the floor at my side, I grab it, and smash it against my agressor. The attack ends, a heavy weight on my laps. I open my eyes, blood running through my legs, a body that doesn't move. With much effort I stand up and try to run.
I can't, everything hurts. I fall. Lights come towards me.... dont they see me? I raise my arm, knowing it's too late.

Done and done, the story is over.
I find it really hard not to kill my main characters, maybie some day one of them will survive to tell another sotry?

That will be all for the day so...... "good night, and good fight!"

Questionable Methods

People always claimed that every now and then my methods were  somewhat questionable, well, now, the BlackBerry SDK thinks the same.

I'm not entirely sure how I should feel about this, but, it's actually kind of neat to see how everyone and everything gets the same oppinion about me. 

 

Something 2

I woke up that morning, just like any other morning. Sunlight entered dimly into my room through the shutters, I had overslept, once again.  Every single day I wonder why we are here, but every single day I'm left without an answer. I decided to take a shower, after all I was already late for work, so twemnty minutes more would create no difference.
More freshened up, I went for a cup of coffee, but realized there was none. I left home and headed towards my work. It was almost eleven when y got to destination, but as I entered the building no one showed any degree of surprise.
It had been long since the last time someone paid any kind of attention to me, or even my job. I went to my desk, and looked at my computer. My mind went blank. It was as if I was dreaming.
Screams. People fading. People dying. a flash of light. More screams.
I recovered my consciousness. my head against the keyboard. Punishing  pain in my back, something worm dripping from my hands.
I was afraid to look up, but needed to. With eyes closed I stood up. The scene that my eyes captured as soon as they were open froze my blood.
Everybody was looking at me. My boss standing right beside me told me that we needed to talk. He took me into his office. Ten minutes later he was out of it, and out of the building. This was not a dream. This was real.
People screaming, running to safety. Others trying to stop me. Blood. Screams. broken glass. A flash of light. Falling. Finally free.
Freedom gave me answers. I see the floor pulling near. I see the end, but understand the beginning.

The end........

Something

It was three in the morning. Complete darkness. Her family was sleeping peacefully. She couldn't conceal the sleep. A noise from below caught her attention. Was there someone else in the house?. Stepped out of her bead. Footsteps on the stairs. She backed, tried to wake her husband. No response, completely passed out on alcohol again.
Went into her bathroom, and covered herself on some dirty laundry. A noise on the bedroom, a silent scream, an incomplete attempt to breathe. In the darkness the door opened. A flash, a knife, cold steel. A moment of peace. Nothing.

What the fuck did you expected?
Really.

Anyway, I wasn't in the mood for some profound reflection, or some meaningless rant, I just wanted to have some fun so there you are.

Have a nice day, those of you who deserve to.

She woke up, bruises on her back, scars on her chest, she could hardly move one arm. Got dressed, and went to prepare breakfast for the family. Her husband woke up 30 minutes later, gave her a look she knew far too well, ate without saying a word, and left for work. She went to wake up the kids, they got dressed, and left for school, without saying much. As soon as the door closed she fell on her knees and broke to cry.
Every morning the same routine, every day the same suffering. After a while she went to her bathroom, took a shower, and put on some make up.
An hour later she was at the shop where she worked, all radiant and smiling. Nobody ever wondered if there was something wrong, she was the perfect employee, always on hour, respectful with the customers, and always with a smile on her face.
But that was nothing but a masquerade, a month later she appeared dead by the side of a road, several broken bones, her clothes torn apart, and her face completely swollen.
She could have avoided all of this if she hadn't been so scared, if she hadn't hidden herself behind a facade.

Yes my good friends, domestic violence is a terrible issue in this world, and it happens in a constant basis all around the world, even though in some countries is not considered domestic violence, for the women are still considered inferior to men, so they can be submitted to physical violence without any restrains.
But there is another important issue here, and that's the society standards to which we have to stand for. Its been several decades now since the woman equality movements took a stand and fought for the rights of all of them, but still the domestic violence and similar situations are wrongly seen by the society, and the women are unable to come forward when they suffer this.
Let me make one thing clear, I'm a caucasian male, age between 21 and 45, so my previous speech has nothing to do with the feminist movement.
What I'm trying to say, by the means of an extreme example, is that the society in which we live on, imposes several standards that are wrong, and we should all try to make a difference. Domestic violence happens in the end because women are afraid to come forward about it, but they are afraid not only of their husbands, but also of the reaction the society will have towards once thy acknowledge this.
This can also be translated to several other examples, gay people not accepting their sexual preferences, men and woman not accepting their bodies, because they don't look as the ones in the cover of the magazines, and so on, there are so many examples that I could waste the following thousand words enumerating them.
Anyway, we all need to start accepting ourselves for what we are, for how we look as, and for our beliefs.
Yes, I'm white, I was raised in a God believing family, with an excellent education. Even still, I turned to atheism at the age of eight (or nine) and gradually found my way to Taoism at the age of 25. I'm a gamer and spend 3 or 4 hours a day playing games, and I really need it, its like a vice. I loose grip of my temper fairly easy, so I have to make a constant effort to hold on and not break down and beet the shit out of the first asshole that crosses my sight without any reason.
But I accept myself for what I am, and I'm not afraid to say it, if someone want's to make fun of my situation or criticize me, they can go fuck themselves, and you know why? because even all of this I got married, I have a job and I'm a productive member of this society.

So, to all of you that are afraid to accept any part of your being, I tell you, don't, just be the best you can, and if someone has any issue with the way you are or think, tough on them.

Ok, I believe that's all. hope it made some sense.

As always my good friends, wish you best be safe and be true to yourselves.

Brainstorming

I was going to write about why, at least on spanish, when you say something to someone, they answer with a confirmation in shape of a question, like "yes?" and we immediately repeat what we had previously said.
But to make it simple, this is a way we have to make up conversation, a really easy way, its easier to answer "yes?" than, for example asking where he found out about it, or a confirmation for his story. anyway, I'm completely clueless about this, maybe I should talk with this to someone specialized in speech, and/or human behavior.
Anyway, since I couldn't make a clear idea about this I started thinking on how our brain works in ways we don't understand, for example, I remembered a quote, but not from whom, that goes something like this, "god is between the words".
Why on earth would my mind drift to that quote, when trying to understand a simple rhetorical question?
Anyway, if you pay attention to your mind you'll notice that it's in a constant brainstorming, throwing ideas from one side to another, making new ideas and trying to find answers to several questions at the same time, while not loosing too much focus on the constant input we receive from the surrounding world.
for example now, I'm typing at the speed of the music I'm listening to, while I try to arrange the ideas an find the best way to express them, meanwhile on another part of my mind there is a little tiny idea starting to make some noise, telling me I should go get a fork to eat the cake I brought to work.... mmmm cake.

Either way, trying to get back in track.
Its funny how we call brainstorming a specific activity, where we get all our ideas down on paper, when our brain is in a constant one.
Our brain could be easily compared to a thunder storm, in a "poetical" way I mean, where our brain are the clouds, with electricity going from one side to the other within it, and every once in a while, a lightning would appear shaking the earth, just like when an idea hits our mouth and out it goes. Working on this metaphor we could say that our common sense and logic work as lightning rods, that intercept the ideas that are never supposed to hit our mouth.
I know that what I just said goes against my belief that complete honesty is the best way to communicate, and that people should learn to accept what the others say, as the Taoism teaches us to, but I grew up in an American country, the influence we got from the eastern societies are almost minimal, even though I really appreciate their philosophy.
Well, looking back to what I just wrote I start to get the feeling a series of new ideas are starting to grow and take shape in my mind, hopefully one of those lightnings hits ground and a coherent meaningful idea is brought to this world. If not, well, more brainstorming for me.

A final comment: You shouldn't get offended by the words of others, its your choice to pay attention, or make a learning value out of them.

Have a great day, and I hope that what I just wrote had any meaning at all.

Improvising a speech

Last night I received a phone call, some dude requesting my CV, and as we were talking I realized that I really hate to improvise a speech, when someone asks you something, that you are not expecting you have to improvise an answer.
Usually, even if it doesn't look like, I plan ahead almost everything I say or do, that's my way, I do it unconsciously now, when I'm asked something, before answering, I'll say "what?" just to give myself some time to prepare a correct answer, or to select the answer that better suites the situation.
Quick example, every night my wife goes to sleep relatively early (compared to me)and while she's in the bathroom, I launch a game or something, just to gain a few extra minutes of gaming later on, but every now and then she'll ask me something, for example, "did you call your doctor?" the obvious answer should be "no" but saying so would imply her to start ranting on how I don't take care of my health, and so on, turning a simple question to a larger discussion, because in the end I'll tell her that I didn't call because I had no time in the office. So instead of giving a fast and simple answer, I prefer to elaborate something, so when she asks me this the answer I'll give would be "nah, had no time, shitty day at the office".
Generating this answer consumes a quite larger amount of time than simply saying "no", so to prepare the answer I gain a few extra seconds by first answering "what?".
It might seem complicated, but once you get the idea it makes perfect sense. Here is this simple example in a more easy way to be understood.

she: "did you call your doctor for an appointment?"
me: "No"
//30 min discussion

or:
she: "did you call your doctor for an appointment?"
me: "what?" -One or two seconds pause- "nah, had no time to do so"
//End of conversation

I have this mechanism optimized for all the people I know and usually talk to, since everybody reacts differently to different kind of answers, and according to my current mood, if I want to talk or not, and so on.
But on a phone call when someone is evaluating your response speed, your conversation level and so on, because they're interested in offering you a job, you have no remedy but answering on the fly, the first and most polite thing that crosses your mind, that is, improvising a speech.

Anyway, I'm not interested in any job offers for now, I'm trying to get the best of my current situation, but still, for reasons that are more than obvious I had to listen to what they had to say.

Quick rant

I was trying to write about something, but got my focus of attention shifted from one topic to another. As I tried to write this a manifestation of students just went though the street.
Come on you fucking piece of shitheads, you are on high school, what the fuck are you doing on the streets? go and study something!
I hate the fact that the manifestations have lost all kind of value in this country. Everybody for any reason may cut down a street to complain, just because they don't want to do what they are supposed to. How the fuck are we to be taken as a serious country when everybody is more willing to go on the streets and complain about their situation instead of working to resolve it? Even the government supports this attitude, by granting the complainers the ability to do so, they are generating a traffic chaos in a city that's already a disaster to drive through, come on, remove them from the streets!
Anyway, that said, a quick conclusion on this, I hat manifestations, i hate the current government, and I hate people that do things half the way, if you are to do something do it right or don't do it at all.
I can't seem to remember now what the hell I was supposed to write about, so this should be all..... for the time being.

South Africa 2010

Ok, I really give shit for the football tournament, and all the euphoria surrounding it.
Once every four years is the same thing, all the world freezes for as long as the tournament lasts. No one talks about something that's not related to football.
There are some shitheads that are saying that they'll get naked if their country is champion. Come on people, is nothing more than a sport.
I wish they took the same interest in literature, arts, or any brain stimulating activity as they do on this stupid sport.

That's it. nothing more to say. Thank god for this space where one can rant freely.