Identity

If you search for Melkor, you'll get thousands of results, some are mine, some are not. But there is no correlation between my nickname and my real name nowhere to be found. Even more, if you search my real name, there are over 8000000 results, and there is only one that's me, my LinkedIn profile.
No, I do not have Facebook, tweeter, Myspace, Google+, or any kind of social space. The only one I have is my LinkedIn, for work purposes.
I feel really proud of this, my internet anonymity is one of my greatest achievements.
This takes me to my next point.

Who are we? We are what we know, who we know, and the way we move along our lives. I have been very careful to leave as few marks as possible in my life so far. Most people I knew are unable to remember me after a couple of years, and only a handful will be able to remember me for an extended period of time even if we didn't spoke, or see each other for a while.


I don't know if this is good or bad, at least I know not many people will suffer when I'm gone.

Changing subject, tomorrow I'll start my new job, basically is the same job I have been doing for a year now, but instead of being subcontracted, I'm now an official employee.

I'm kind of proud about it, the challenge is big, and I'll have to interact with lots of different people and companies, so, we'll see how good I'm covering my tracks.

So, before I go, and as the pain killers start to kick in (yes my wrist still hurts), I'll try to write something more.



I think I woke up, I'm not sure about it, my body felt as if in a dream, but everything was clear.
All I could see was this huge lake, or maybe an ocean, at a distance an island, and some boats sailing towards it.
-where are we- a voice asked
-In the purgatory- answered a hooded creature.
Great, now I'm dead. I approached the hooded one, and asked -Who am I?- he then turned and I was able to see under the hood. The image felt really normal, and didn't frighten me. It looked as a skull, but at the same time full of life, and light.
-The river shall answer that question- it said, while pointing towards an empty boat.
So, I sat on the boat an started rowing.
After a while, I don't know how long it was, I got tired of it and decided to stop. I looked at the water, and asked myself who was I.
-You are one- the sound came from the water, but had no fixed source.
-One?- I asked, still wondering who I was talking to.
-Yes, one, look around to the other boats, they are all with someone, you are one-
-But why?- I must admit I felt frightened at that point, the voice was right, I was alone.
-Every now and then we get one, only them can answer why- the voice felt calm, and peaceful so I started to relax
-What will happen if I can't answer the question?-
-You'll stay here until you do, this is your challenge-
-Challenge?-
-To reach the island, you must solve the challenge-
-What is on that island?-
-Heaven or Hell, your destiny awaits-
-But I don't believe in heaven or hell-
-And what does that mean?- the voice changed tone, so I knew I was getting close to a real answer
-Since I don't believe in neither, there is no one to judge me, or to make me company for all eternity, that's why I'm one!-

The voice in the water gave no answer, all of the sudden a great wave rose from the calm, and covered me.

I woke up in this body, and my memories started to fade with the passing of each new day, I was new, and I knew it.

Think - lost faith

For a long time I tried to convince myself that as long as I had faith in people everything would be fine. I lost my faith in a deity long ago, I don't believe science will take us even near the answer to the questions we have, like where we come from, why are we here, or where are we going. For the longest time I believed that the answer resides within ourselves, that we already know the answer to the questions at hand, but we are blind to see it.

But what happens to a person when he looses the last of his faiths?

For the last couple of months I have been going through some really tough times, and I gradually started to loose faith in people, and is kind of scary.

I have seen catholics abandon their faith due to some tragic event, but they find comfort in people, or in science. I've seen atheists finding faith in god, after living a "miracle", or in the death of a loved one.

I lost my grand mother a couple of weeks ago, and that gave me nothing but sadness for her departure. I lost an uncle a couple of years ago, and once again, only sadness. I miss them both like hell, therefore I'm sad, but their paths have joined with the universe's, and for that I'm glad.

I have chosen to believe that when you die you return to the universe, but that doesn't make me a believer in any kind of deity, it's simple physics, all the energy our body has within itself somehow must be released, and our body is consumed, therefore we return to the universe. This might help me embrace the death of a loved one in a strange and particular way, but it does not help me in my every day life.

When a person needs of a miracle they request their deity for help, but I believe in none, I believe in people, or at least I used to.

Now I'm being stripped of this and I find myself alone. The voices in my head are shouting harder and louder every day, I suffer constant headaches and find it really hard to focus on something. A sensation of despair runs through my veins, and tears come out of my eyes almost with no reason. All because I'm loosing faith in people, I'm loosing faith in myself.


I don't know if this makes any sense at all, and I really don't care, maybe writing about it will get me somewhere.

One final thought, does a person without faith have a reason to look forward for a new day?


After such a depressing rant, I'll write something using the words I see at the right of the screen, just for fun. the words are Labels, Schedule, Permalik, Location, Options. I'll use them in that exact order, and see what comes up.


We are but labels in the universe' schedule
with a pemalink to our location,
to strike us down at any time.
We have no options, only death awaits.

Well, that's really crappy.

I should go have some rest.