Just a game

How do you face life?
Do you go under the You Only Live Once flag? or are meticulous and try to think ahead? if so, how far ahead?
In my case I face life as a game.

One game I really do hate playing is chess, after a certain amount of moves I already know the outcome of the match (win or loose), therefore it turns boring. When something becomes boring I look for the fastest way out of it, in chess, it means to make the most stupid moves possible, without making it obvious, so I loose. It may sound stupid, but I don't care for another win.


One game I really do love is Warhammer, be it on table or digital, it has a bit of everything, strategy, luck, knowledge, I can keep playing that game for hours and never get bored. I may even have all my units pinned down, or be in a complete lock, and I will still be having fun.

Life is that for me, a good match of a really interesting and complex strategy game. I plan ahead several moves, and all the possible outcomes to them, but its impossible to look up until the end of the match, there are just to many variables to take into account.

Currently I'm facing one of that moments on the game when you have to choose to play it safe or make a dangerous move, both have positive and negative possible outcomes, and the chances are well divided between them. I may choose road A and the possible outcomes are A1, A2, A3, and I could continue counting for I have calculated 15 different panoramas. The same applies for option B, and all the possible outcomes. But where is the catch? I MUST make a move, and the time is against me, I must make a decision and time is running up.

Road A is, to call it somehow a "safe" road, for it has a lot of variables to which I already know the values, so half of the work is done but it includes a certain amount of emotional load I wish I could get rid of.
Road B is the new and unexplored road, a road for which I know no values, the level of uncertainty is way higher than on the first option, but includes no emotional load I wish to make disappear.

If I were to make this decision in a game I would most likely take option B, just for the fun of something new, but being it my life, I can't consider just having fun, I must consider other factors, and I have come to a mental blockade. I see no easy way out of this, and for the first time in my life I don't know what to do.

Some people push me towards option A, others towards option B, but swinging between both is driving me crazy.

Funny thing is, if the correct person just said "yes" the option would be pretty obvious, but how can someone give an answer to something that has never been asked?

Now you must be saying, "are you fucking stupid? just make the question and that's it!", well it ain't that simple, making the question would involve taking one of the previously stated options, and there is the dilemma itself.
I need the answer to make a decision, but the question can only be asked once a path has been chosen.


Penny for your thoughts?

Drift

Have you ever felt that you are drifting away from reality? that everything you knew starts to feel unreal, almost unnatural? that moment when you don't know if you are awake or asleep?

Well, lately I've been feeling that way, here but there, now but then. Everything seems to move in a different speed, everything seems to be lighter.

I wonder what has made me feel this way.

Conversation.

Every now and then, the biggest dilemmas of our life get reduced to just one question, do you have faith?
The strange thing of this moments is that when they come most people will try to answer that they do have faith, and then plead to god for some help.
In my case, since I don't believe in any kind of god, I must think quite a lot before answering that kind of questions.
-Do I have Faith?
-No
-Why?
-you never specified faith in what, therefore when nothing is specified, the answer is no.
-faith in god?
-no
-faith in people?
-used to have faith that people were constantly evolving, improving, and would learn from their mistakes, but that is lost, at least for now.
-faith in yourself?
-No. I do know I'm really good at some things, but do not have faith in me.
-Faith in a master plan?
-No
-Do you have any kind of faith? Any kind would do.
-once again I must answer no.
-What do you think will happen with humanity then, if you have no faith at all?
-Sad to say, I believe that we are fucked. All of humanity will be thrown into the claws of oblivion one of this days, and there will be no record to indicate we ever existed.
-Isn't your line of thought a little bit over pessimistic?
-I'm not pessimistic, I'm realistic. We kill each other, we steal from each other, we cheat, we lie, and I could continue enumerating.
-But what about love, compassion, and all the good people around the world?
-Let me ask you something, how many innocents died in "Holy" wars? how many innocents died when one country invaded another one to fight for their freedom, but  all they cared about was their natural resources? Do the maths, one saved do not compensate for hundreds. In the greater picture, we are fucked.
-...
-yes.
-... I guess that would be all then
-as you wish.
-I feel like killing my self now.
-Please don't, you are part of me.
-Aw, you care for me...
-Actually no, but you are a voice inside my head, and there is a great chance that by killing yourself you would actually hurt me.
-ah, touche mon ami, or should I say, my host?

have a good night.

Decisions

I woke up one morning, it was nothing more than that, just another morning in my regular life. Nothing special was bound to happen, but thing usually don´t go the way you expect it. There I was walking down the street like every other morning, at the exact same time, the same way I have been doing it for the past four years.
As I bumped through the people on the street, keeping my head down, just moving I never stopped to think or look at others, I never did, I always felt inferior in some way, even though I´m taller, more educated, or whatever, I feel inferior because I don´t care much about myself, and that is the truth.
But why would I tell a story of something that is normal, as in every story there must be a reason for it to be told. This day, even though I didn't knew it yet, was bound to be my last day on this world.
As I was waiting for my coffee this incredible woman came through the door, she had this inner light, so strong, so bright that even a blind man could see her. I had met her before and we were, to call it somehow, friends. After no consideration of the possible ramifications I decided to go to her and ask her out. She looked at me, and with shocked expression, told me that she would never go out with me. I did expected that result, but what I did not expected were the reaction that my mind would have.
I grabbed my coffee, and left the building. Waked in silence the remaining way towards my office, and sat down at my desk, looking through the window.
As I drank my coffee my mind started to analyze the force that breaking the glass would require, and the amount of possible damage that I would receive from a four story fall.
As I was falling together with broken glass I saw a bus coming. Instead of hitting the floor as expected, I landed in the roof of the bus, and bounced off to the floor. sadly for me I wasn't killed immediately. As I felt the blood leaving my body someone approached through the crowd. It was the girl that had just rejected me. She looked me in the eye and asked me why.
With the last of my strengths I told her, that her rejection was the last one I could handle and I wanted this to happen I wanted to let go. She looked me in the eye, and said something that I was unable to understand, all I know is that she was smiling, and called me an idiot.
Everything started to fade away, and as I was in my final moments I thought to my self about the decisions we make in life.

Is there ever a good decision?

Life

Everybody claims every now and then having a life changing event, something that opens their eyes and makes them see life in a completely different way.

Well, last week I had a life threatening event, while on the on my car, my wife and I had an accident, the car lost control and flipped twice before stopping. As I was flipping in the air, my brain said "well, you will not get to tell this story" but actually it was kind of wrong.

As incredible it might seem, my wife and I were able to get out of the car walking, with no more damage than a couple of bruises, and some minor concussions.

The thing is, that maybe because my brain actually believed that I was supposed to die at that moment, but I still can´t feel happy for having survived. I wake up in the middle of the night, in fright as I recall the accident as I try to sleep.

So if this was supposed to change my life in some magical way for better it kind of failed, it just scarred me a bit more.

I hope some day be able to feel happy, but for the time being, I can´t.

Identity

If you search for Melkor, you'll get thousands of results, some are mine, some are not. But there is no correlation between my nickname and my real name nowhere to be found. Even more, if you search my real name, there are over 8000000 results, and there is only one that's me, my LinkedIn profile.
No, I do not have Facebook, tweeter, Myspace, Google+, or any kind of social space. The only one I have is my LinkedIn, for work purposes.
I feel really proud of this, my internet anonymity is one of my greatest achievements.
This takes me to my next point.

Who are we? We are what we know, who we know, and the way we move along our lives. I have been very careful to leave as few marks as possible in my life so far. Most people I knew are unable to remember me after a couple of years, and only a handful will be able to remember me for an extended period of time even if we didn't spoke, or see each other for a while.


I don't know if this is good or bad, at least I know not many people will suffer when I'm gone.

Changing subject, tomorrow I'll start my new job, basically is the same job I have been doing for a year now, but instead of being subcontracted, I'm now an official employee.

I'm kind of proud about it, the challenge is big, and I'll have to interact with lots of different people and companies, so, we'll see how good I'm covering my tracks.

So, before I go, and as the pain killers start to kick in (yes my wrist still hurts), I'll try to write something more.



I think I woke up, I'm not sure about it, my body felt as if in a dream, but everything was clear.
All I could see was this huge lake, or maybe an ocean, at a distance an island, and some boats sailing towards it.
-where are we- a voice asked
-In the purgatory- answered a hooded creature.
Great, now I'm dead. I approached the hooded one, and asked -Who am I?- he then turned and I was able to see under the hood. The image felt really normal, and didn't frighten me. It looked as a skull, but at the same time full of life, and light.
-The river shall answer that question- it said, while pointing towards an empty boat.
So, I sat on the boat an started rowing.
After a while, I don't know how long it was, I got tired of it and decided to stop. I looked at the water, and asked myself who was I.
-You are one- the sound came from the water, but had no fixed source.
-One?- I asked, still wondering who I was talking to.
-Yes, one, look around to the other boats, they are all with someone, you are one-
-But why?- I must admit I felt frightened at that point, the voice was right, I was alone.
-Every now and then we get one, only them can answer why- the voice felt calm, and peaceful so I started to relax
-What will happen if I can't answer the question?-
-You'll stay here until you do, this is your challenge-
-Challenge?-
-To reach the island, you must solve the challenge-
-What is on that island?-
-Heaven or Hell, your destiny awaits-
-But I don't believe in heaven or hell-
-And what does that mean?- the voice changed tone, so I knew I was getting close to a real answer
-Since I don't believe in neither, there is no one to judge me, or to make me company for all eternity, that's why I'm one!-

The voice in the water gave no answer, all of the sudden a great wave rose from the calm, and covered me.

I woke up in this body, and my memories started to fade with the passing of each new day, I was new, and I knew it.

Think - lost faith

For a long time I tried to convince myself that as long as I had faith in people everything would be fine. I lost my faith in a deity long ago, I don't believe science will take us even near the answer to the questions we have, like where we come from, why are we here, or where are we going. For the longest time I believed that the answer resides within ourselves, that we already know the answer to the questions at hand, but we are blind to see it.

But what happens to a person when he looses the last of his faiths?

For the last couple of months I have been going through some really tough times, and I gradually started to loose faith in people, and is kind of scary.

I have seen catholics abandon their faith due to some tragic event, but they find comfort in people, or in science. I've seen atheists finding faith in god, after living a "miracle", or in the death of a loved one.

I lost my grand mother a couple of weeks ago, and that gave me nothing but sadness for her departure. I lost an uncle a couple of years ago, and once again, only sadness. I miss them both like hell, therefore I'm sad, but their paths have joined with the universe's, and for that I'm glad.

I have chosen to believe that when you die you return to the universe, but that doesn't make me a believer in any kind of deity, it's simple physics, all the energy our body has within itself somehow must be released, and our body is consumed, therefore we return to the universe. This might help me embrace the death of a loved one in a strange and particular way, but it does not help me in my every day life.

When a person needs of a miracle they request their deity for help, but I believe in none, I believe in people, or at least I used to.

Now I'm being stripped of this and I find myself alone. The voices in my head are shouting harder and louder every day, I suffer constant headaches and find it really hard to focus on something. A sensation of despair runs through my veins, and tears come out of my eyes almost with no reason. All because I'm loosing faith in people, I'm loosing faith in myself.


I don't know if this makes any sense at all, and I really don't care, maybe writing about it will get me somewhere.

One final thought, does a person without faith have a reason to look forward for a new day?


After such a depressing rant, I'll write something using the words I see at the right of the screen, just for fun. the words are Labels, Schedule, Permalik, Location, Options. I'll use them in that exact order, and see what comes up.


We are but labels in the universe' schedule
with a pemalink to our location,
to strike us down at any time.
We have no options, only death awaits.

Well, that's really crappy.

I should go have some rest.

Faith

Let me try to explain something, I was born and raised in a god believing family, but for some reason I now don't remember I lost my faith long ago. I'm an atheist, with Taoist tendencies in his philosophy. I'm a gamer, and a mobile developer. I'm a writing enthusiast, and a library rat. I'm all this things, but above all I'm a person. A single individual with his own creed.

In any case I was watching t.v. and the subject of faith, god and all that came up on an open forum show I was watching; yes, I actually do enjoy debates on television, when there is nothing better to watch.

In any case, there was this priest, from one of the branches of the catholic church, and on the other side of the table there was this dude that called himself a naturalist or something like that, I don't remember. In any case, the catholic side is self explanatory, the other one was that caught my attention.

Basically he believed that nature had created everything and everyone, so obviously I thought to my self - ok, so he's an evolutionist - but no, there was a tweak in his plot, he described the nature as a living thing, with a consciousness of her own.
That's when I realized all the debate was a waste of time. They both believed that they had been created by something/someone else, the only difference was the given name, God, or Nature.

After that, I watched another ten minutes, and switched the TV off.

And now I'm here, 3:07 am, trying to write something down, studying the fact that I might have consumed coffee in excess.

In any case, I felt like writing, so here we go.


I woke up, my back hurt, my hands still shaking, sweat covered my face, and blood my robes. My sword, safely covered still dripped red tears from the night before.
I can remember every single blow, every single stab. I remember all the faces the way they looked as I used my sword to open a path through the crowd.

I'm not a soldier. I'm not a warrior. I was a normal person. But I'm that person no more. They had taken from me the only thing I had ever cared for, so I was taking their lives.

I looked for them, it took time, more than expected, but it worth it. I finally found the four that had taken her away from me, and after some clever manipulations was able to get them all four together in the same room.

Killing them was easy, they presented no rel threat, but there was an error in my plan. I forgot they had friends, and they had also come along.

As soon as I opened the door I saw more than thirty thugs, willing to kill me. Luckily only two had guns, but after a couple of shots they seemed to realise that shooting me would get them nowhere, but killing their own, in the turmoil.

My sword kept busy as they started to fall. I got stabbed twice, but the strength to keep going came to me from who knows where.

The fight seemed eternal, but after a while the could started to open up, and I left the premises without complaining.
I woke up today, still thirsty for revenge but satisfied with the trail of blood I had left behind.

I'm no avenger, I'm no hero. I'm just a normal person, that lost everything.


So there it is, another short story.

So with nothing more to say, I'll go to bed. the final lines were written with my eyes closed.

Inaxo

When I was a little kid, I created this microscopic creatures that I claimed lived in my brain, I named them Inaxo, so today instead of writing love/depressing poetry or a murder/death story, I'm going to write about this little creatures, that actually have a fantastic story behind them.

Please do have in mind that this is story is based on one I created when I was sever or eight, so it might be a bit unbelievable.

Before I start to tell the story, let me try to explain what an Inaxo looks like. They are basically stick figures, they are created as a single line, nothing more, as they grow in knowledge, and age, a new line is added to their body. This new line is added with its center at the end of an existing one, with any angle, so basically they are something as the image below.

In a time before time, in a place nowhere in the universe, but in the center of them all, a civilisation existed, The Inaxos lived there, a race of creatures with minimal physical body but with an incredible energy and power. All of their civilisation could fit in the size of a bottle cap, and there were millions of them.

They lived in peace and prosperity, in perfect harmony with the universe that existed at that time. The great Inaxo, ruler of them all was the wisest, and oldest, and was a benevolent ruler, and all of the them could live dedicating their lives to the acquisition of knowledge.

They had no need for a currency exchange, therefore had no money, as they rose in knowledge they were able to  get further and better things; for example, a young one that had just left the house of his creators, was to live in a small house, until he had gained enough knowledge. Then, and only then he was given a larger one.

The system worked great, and since their body had almost no physical components, the decay level was minimal. That, joined with the knowledge of good preservation of the mater, granted them almost eternal life.

Of course they were individuals, so some of them strives for knowledge, while other preferred to keep a basic level, so they could enjoy their life doing whatever they wanted.

Basically it was an ideal society.

It all changed when, for unknown reasons, one Inaxo was created with an energy signature different firm all the others, as he grew, the brightest of the inaxos tried to understand why his energy was so different, but were unable to get this knowledge. This specific Inaxo searched for knowledge, far beyond than any other one, even greater than the one the Great Inaxo had.

After a long time, he was just one level behind the great one, his knowledge had grown far beyond than expected, but his energy signature was even more different than when he was created, wherever he went he caused all the other shake in fear for his energy was now clearly dark.

None of the Inaxos know what was the final piece of knowledge that this dark one acquired, all they know is that, the moment he acquired it, he exploded, his physical body collapse and then expanded. This explosion created a chain reaction in the bottle cap sized world / universe, that collapsed and exploded. This is what we humans call the Big Bang.

The destruction of their civilisation scattered energy and matter all through what we now call our universe. The surviving Inaxos traveled through space for eons, in all directions.

The civilisation that inhabits my brain claims that they are now one of a couple of millions living in this planet, inside peoples brains, but hope some day be able to reunite with all the other colonies scattered through all the universe.

---------

So, that is basically an introduction to the Inaxos, and their story, and the creation of the universe, if you wish to believe it. Also, now that you know about their existence they might reveal themselves to you if they are in your brain. They have their ways, trust me.

Some other day I'll tell further stories about them.

Best regards to you all.

Pissed off

Today I'm not sad, at least not in the conventional way.
I don't feel like making any kind of deep thinking, or anything like it, so I'll just go ahead and try write something.

It was a normal day in my normal life, keeping to myself interacting with no one, looking at no one, I must have been 16more or less. The bell rang and the worst time in the day was about to start, sports. I always hated sports in school. All the big jogs showing off, all of us nerds keeping to ourselves. Even though I was a nerd I was huge for my age, and had an incredible force in my arms and hands, but never showed off, because I was no jog, besides, I was forced to use glasses, so any sport that required coordination and sight, I would fail before starting.
The worst part of sports class was the changing room. There was this prick, that used to bug me, until my temper was lost. I usually tried to avoid getting in fights, but every now and then I was unable to control myself.
This particular day was no different. As class ended, we were getting back into our uniforms, and this dude came along with a small tube filled with water, and spit it all over me.
And my temper was gone.
My consciousness was gone.

The next thing I remember is washing my hands on a bathroom, blood all over the sink. I checked for bruises, or any kind off lacerations, but there was none to be found, at that point I realised, that the blood I was washing off my hands wasn't mine,

I finished cleaning myself and went out. My head still spinning, and the sun hurting my eyes, I saw all of my classmates surrounding the bathroom door, and the rugby teacher in front of them all.

I looked around and saw the little shithead that spitted water on me with a bandage in his neck, still shacking in fear.

-What the hell is wrong with you?-The coach shouted, and all my classmates kept their angry faces
-I told him not to bug me, but I really don't remember what happened-
-you don't? I cant believe that- he sounded sure of himself but after a brief pause started to tell me what had happened - As soon as he spitted on you, you jumped off your bench grabbed him by the throat, lifted him in the air and started choking him. At the same time your nails slashed through his skin, and he started bleeding.- He looked at the kid in bandage, then looked back at me - The only way I was able to make you release him was by hitting you with a plank in your back-
-Now I understand the pain in my back- I said, with no real emotion over what had happened, I rose my head and addressed everyone there - I told you all, more than once, don't break my fucking balls, I won't take it, but above all I can't take it. I already told you, if my concentration, my focus is lost, my consciousness goes away, and I will attack as an animal-

I took a step forward, and everyone backed up a step -Now I hope you have learnt your lesson, do not bug me. Let me be.- As I started walking, the crowd opened up and I was able to walk away without anybody getting even near me.

For the following year, people avoided me, and always kept their distance, and I promised myself never to train my arms again, to avoid that event from repeating itself.


And that should be it for our story of the day
Now, even though this might see as another fantasy story, you can see that nobody died, that's because, this is no fantasy, this really happened. I have this attacks where I loose control and there are really few things that can stop me. Luckily I haven't had one of this episodes in a pretty long time; I'm posting this story is because I feel I'm loosing control, I actually feel close to one of this bursts of rage, and I'm trying as hell to control it.


So with no further thing to say write or do, I'm going to call this a night, and head to bed.

Ah, yes, one final thing, go check out this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wWYB-yWmF44
amazing song by a Mexican band, listen to the lyrics It's really good. as well as the musical composition.

Not much

I had been thinking hard on what to write down, there are a million things I'll like to say, but don't know how, or maybe I do know, but unwilling to say them.
In any case there is a small thing to learn from this situation, I always tried to have everything under control, but lately I'm unable to do so, and that freaks me out.

So, once again I'll try to express my feelings in a short story, or poem or whatever it is I usually write.

I woke up that morning with no worries in my head, but how had you been. You had disappeared in thin air, and I was unable to find you. As I walked down the hallways, none of my issues for the day made any sense, but I was hoping to see you at every corner.
The day went by, and I never saw you, never heard of you, and as the sun hided under the horizon I knew that I was never seeing you again.
I sat at the balcony, gazing at the sunset, and as the light faded, so did my life.
I don't know what happened.
I don't known why.
The next morning I was no more, and you never knew.
I left a note, a declaration of hope, written in dreams, signed with desired, addressed to no one but for everyone.
Hope is the last thing you'll loose, before you loose your life.
Hope you are doing fine.




So, that was it. I really don't know what that was.
It seems I need help to organise my writing a bit. It's inconsistent and usually makes no sense.
In any case, that is what came up to my mind.

I guess that would be all for now.

Where

Last time we talked, yo seemed fine, but there must have been something I said or do, that made you mad, so now I'm sad.

In any case, sorry for being an asshole, if I was in any way, didn't mean to hurt you.

Anyway, my overall mood is starting to improve, slightly, but improves, and now a drinking contest with myself will start. My record, one bottle of vodka and one of wine, in less than 6hs. I'm not much of a heavy drinker, but do enjoy an occasional shot of something.

I always considered drinking alone one of the worst things I could do, but, once again, I don't like people, so I'll drink, and my cats will be by my side as I do.

I do love my cats. They are loyal, they are good friends, caring, and have a strong personality on their own. One, the smallest of them three, is trying to show her disapproval with the current situation by simply knocking down all the trash cans in the house. The oldest one, is currently in a stage where she ignores me mostly, and keeps to herself, looking me only to ask for food. The one in the middle has always been the most indifferent of them, but lately spends a great deal of time on my lap. He's actually quite fat, so having him there feels like a stove burning your groin after a while.

In any case, I don't feel like writing a short story, but I know it helps me control my emotions, so, here goes nothing.

There was a time,
when I was happy
There was a time,
when nothing mattered.

It seems so distant
It seems so different.
I guess it wasn't me
Or at least not myself

One day I'll die,
and my memories left behind.
my loves lost
and my beliefs gone.

What are we
I wonder myself
but simple drops
in the river of the universe

One day I'll die,
and be born again.

I only hope to see you once more.


So there, I wrote that, liked it? neither did I, don't worry.

As I was writing that down, I remembered one thing I wanted to say. On a previous post I said I wasn't suicidal. I'm currently not, but sure as hell I once was. Maybe I always lacked the courage to do it, or maybe, I was never really suicidal, but sure I wasn't a show off. I never took enough pills to get me to the hospital, so people would notice me.
Once, many years back, attempted to cut my wrists with a knife.
Instead of doing that, I decided to go out with a group of people I actually hated, and mostly still do, which were my class mates. I drank like hell and provoked a fight, until this one fellow, with which I always had issues, decided to break a plate on my face. I remembered I started to laugh as blood poured from all the cuts I got. It was a good fight. I returned the plate favour with a glass to his head, and left.
I still have the scars on my face, barely visible in normal sight, but if my beard starts to grow, there is a point where all the scars are fully visible, since no hair grows.
Funny story. True story.

In any case, I'm not suicidal, and far to old to go on a fight. Also I'm much less stronger now, I guess, than what I was back then, but that's a story for some other time.

In any case, my good friends. Enjoy thy lives. If you feel like fighting, do so. If you are suicidal, go join a class of some martial art, or full contact. That will get you all the pain and suffering you require. I know it did for me.

As a final comment. My wrist still hurts.

Ah, by the way, as I wrote this more than half of the bottle is gone, so it seems I'm keeping a good pace.

My Wrist

Well, I think I broke my wrist.

As I try to write it hurts like hell so I think some ice and bondage will help me through the night, and if tomorrow the pain prevails, a visit to the hospital should bring new light to this. In any case, a friend of mine is not answering my messages, so that adds to the general depression I'm going through.

In any case my mood is still a really crappy one, as expected, so without further ado, I'll improvise a short story, or poem, or something. One thing is sure, someone will die in this story, let's title it My Wrist


As I looked round the office, everybody with their faces sucked by the glow of the screens, only the sounds of keyboards, and mouse clicks could be heard, not even a fly in the room to distract us from our work.
My right wrist started to hurt, maybe the swapping between keyboard, mouse, cellphone was finally starting to pass a bill on my body, in any case, decided to ignore it.
After a while I stood up and went towards the kitchen in hopes for a peace of cloth and some ice, when I got intercepted by my boss. "Hey, get over here" in his usual voice like if he was trying to be cool while everybody knew he was an ass hole.
I entered the office and sat down in the floor, as usual. I don't like pulling chairs, so if there are no empty ones, the floor is my place.
-Look we've got an issue-he said as he sat down back at his desk - Your performance lately has been going to hell, you are no longer a productive member of this crew.
I gave him a gloom look from under my cap, and with no emotion or intent, a single sound came out of me -So?- he looked at me in silence. after thirty seconds of perfect silence I stood up -Wait I'm not finished-he said while he grabbed my arm.
-Please let go- I said in a monotonous tone -You had something else to say, go ahead and spit it out-
I really don't remember what happened next. I know he said something stupid about me, and one of my team members, all I know is that I grabbed a letter opener from his desk and put it to my wrist.
My hand was shaking and all I could hear was my breath and my heart pumping.
I remember he looked at me, and his mouth moved.
I pulled the cutter away from my wrist, right into his throat. He looked with glossy eyes, dying eyes.
I grabbed him by the shoulders and walked towards the window.
Twenty five stories, one hell of a fall, or jump, in any case we were both going down.
I remember watching him go faster than me, and as I saw his body get splattered all through the streets I finally understood.
Not what he said, I couldn't care less about that.
I finally understood my life.

The most important thing in life can't be bought.
The most important thing in life can't be taught.
if you want it.
You'll have to discover it.


It's not about what you have,
with who you are with
or how you look.

For me it was freedom.
Freedom in you mind.Freedom in your heart.


Freedom,
To let you go and be happy for you.
To make my choice for someone new.
To be who I want to be.

Freedom to be free....





And remember my friends, I do not plan to kill myself, so please don't worry about me, If I die it would be a fucking accident, or a stroke, whichever comes first, so don't worry, and with my life style a stroke has all the numbers for the lottery.

I won't go anywhere until I see you, at least one more time.


Peace, Love, Hate and Anger my friends.

Enjoy thy lives.

Depressing me

So far every time I wrote something down I was mostly in an acceptable mood. Well that kind of changed, due to certain unhappy events in my life lately I'm unable to feel happy. Before you wonder, no nobody died, so please don't feel sorry for anyone.

I'm still uncertain on what the universe has in reserve for me, but so far, everything that looked so fucking good, is starting to fade out. All the good things in my life are going away, or avoiding me. So this is my escape route.

I had all this dreams and ambitions, hopes and desires, but I feel them leaving my body, leaving my mind.
The empty space they leave behind is being filled with rage and agony, desperation and pain.

I wonder, why the fuck do we have emotions after all, I was a pretty happy creature with all my feelings bagged and sealed inside mu mind, but nooooooo something had to come up to let my feelings free. At that time I felt lucky that someone was there to help me with the process, but now I'm regretting it.

There must be a way to put everything back inside, close the door and make sure never again under any circumstance they are let free again.
Who would want a moment of joy, if it comes by the hand of sadness, pain or suffering? it's ridiculous, absurd, and illogical.

So, for the following months I'll try to recover my mental balance, I'll focus in work, and every day I'll try to put a new feeling in the bag. Sooner or later all feelings will be gone, and all that I'll have is a memory  of times long lived.

I guess that if my psychologist, or one of my few friends, read this they would actually try to kill me.
Well, good luck with that shitheads!!!

So, here is something I wrote the other day, that would explain better my current state of mind:



As I move down the street
The empty sounds of the night reach my mind.
Dim Lights,
Stranded cats
Running dogs
Everything is peaceful
Everything is at ease
I walk with no worries
music in my ears
All of the sudden my chest feels warm
My head feels cold
I put my hand to my throat,
Blood spurs like a hazer
I fall to the floor and my sight starts to fade.
I feel light headed, the world starts to spin.
I feel cold, but feel no pain.
No pain.
Finally no pain.
The sharp end of a knife is one of the last things I see.
As my consciousness fades a single image comes to my mind
An image of you.
Now I feel pain.
Pain again.
Maybe on the next life.
Maybe on another time.
This was not my run.
not my best life.
Hope is all I have
Hope to make it better next time.
And after all,
a final breath,
a final beat.

And it all starts over again....

Remember

So, the other day I was going through some old papers of mine, some really old papers, my choir folder, my trombone parts, some poetry I wrote, and some old short stories. Usually as I wrote in paper, after writing something I added a small dedicating at the end, using the initials of the person it was dedicated to. In pensil, and then erased it, so that nobody could see it.
Among this writings one caught my attention.
It was in Spanish, but here is a rough translation:
I feel so sad
I let you go,
Kept my feelings
And now you are gone.

The light in your eyes
Is here no more,
And I'm in the dark,
With nowhere to go.

I wish I had told you,
How much I love you
But now you are gone
And my chance blown.

Basically I wrote this for one of my dearest friends, for whom I fell madly in love, but since she was my friend, I was unable to do anything about it, I didn't felt like screwing up all I had. In any case, long time has gone by since the last time I saw her, or even spoke, but when I found this I remembered that feeling, and it felt, I don't know how to describe it. In any case one thing is sure. I loved her, and I'm pretty sure that feelings are deep inside me, somewhere. I still love my wife, I really do, but it feels great to let the feelings out every now and then.

In any case, 13 years have gone by, more or less, since I wrote this, and still feel like a suckered for never letting my feelings out. Learn that lesson. Express your feelings, every day, for it might come a day when you are unable to do so.

Love and hate to you all..... Yeah, you can't have one without the other.