Disastrous honesty

I haven't written something down in a while, and some posts were removed by myself due to personal circumstances, which I will not duel upon, but, for some reason here I am, once again hand to keyboard, a smoke in the ashtray, and a bottle of vodka.
This will be my companions for the next couple of hs, maybe all night, that is still to be seen.
In any case here is what pushed me to write today; For a very long time now I have focused my personal ways towards truth, whatever you ask me, I'll answer. If I do not know the answer, that would be it "I do not know", but in case I do know, or if the question is personal I'll answer it as better as I can, always with honesty.
The thing is, that for the first time I was asked a personal question in a room where there were more than friends or people that knew me, there were people there which I have only met once or twice in my life, and therefore do not know me as my friends do. The thing is, I think I might have left a very, very negative impression on most of them.

Basically they asked me, what do you do when you are faced with a conflict, the answer was easy, what i have done almost always, study the other part for flaws or weak spots, and hit at that spot as hard as I can. No more opponent, no more conflict. Simple, practical and it works. I had it done to myself, it hurts but it works.

In any case after I had said that, they asked even more personal questions, even more asking for an example, following my philosophy I answered with absolutely no filter at all.

The faces of some of the people present at the room were of absolute shock and terror, thy could not believe what were they were hearing.

This brings me to to the following conclusions:
- People say they want to hear the truth but are never prepared for the unexpected unfiltered truth, sorry.
- I should work and learn to say "no, sorry but not" when asked some questions.

In any case, whatever damage this event might had caused, I'll handle it when it comes around, as it surely will.


That would be all.... I guess.... for now.

Just a game

How do you face life?
Do you go under the You Only Live Once flag? or are meticulous and try to think ahead? if so, how far ahead?
In my case I face life as a game.

One game I really do hate playing is chess, after a certain amount of moves I already know the outcome of the match (win or loose), therefore it turns boring. When something becomes boring I look for the fastest way out of it, in chess, it means to make the most stupid moves possible, without making it obvious, so I loose. It may sound stupid, but I don't care for another win.


One game I really do love is Warhammer, be it on table or digital, it has a bit of everything, strategy, luck, knowledge, I can keep playing that game for hours and never get bored. I may even have all my units pinned down, or be in a complete lock, and I will still be having fun.

Life is that for me, a good match of a really interesting and complex strategy game. I plan ahead several moves, and all the possible outcomes to them, but its impossible to look up until the end of the match, there are just to many variables to take into account.

Currently I'm facing one of that moments on the game when you have to choose to play it safe or make a dangerous move, both have positive and negative possible outcomes, and the chances are well divided between them. I may choose road A and the possible outcomes are A1, A2, A3, and I could continue counting for I have calculated 15 different panoramas. The same applies for option B, and all the possible outcomes. But where is the catch? I MUST make a move, and the time is against me, I must make a decision and time is running up.

Road A is, to call it somehow a "safe" road, for it has a lot of variables to which I already know the values, so half of the work is done but it includes a certain amount of emotional load I wish I could get rid of.
Road B is the new and unexplored road, a road for which I know no values, the level of uncertainty is way higher than on the first option, but includes no emotional load I wish to make disappear.

If I were to make this decision in a game I would most likely take option B, just for the fun of something new, but being it my life, I can't consider just having fun, I must consider other factors, and I have come to a mental blockade. I see no easy way out of this, and for the first time in my life I don't know what to do.

Some people push me towards option A, others towards option B, but swinging between both is driving me crazy.

Funny thing is, if the correct person just said "yes" the option would be pretty obvious, but how can someone give an answer to something that has never been asked?

Now you must be saying, "are you fucking stupid? just make the question and that's it!", well it ain't that simple, making the question would involve taking one of the previously stated options, and there is the dilemma itself.
I need the answer to make a decision, but the question can only be asked once a path has been chosen.


Penny for your thoughts?

Drift

Have you ever felt that you are drifting away from reality? that everything you knew starts to feel unreal, almost unnatural? that moment when you don't know if you are awake or asleep?

Well, lately I've been feeling that way, here but there, now but then. Everything seems to move in a different speed, everything seems to be lighter.

I wonder what has made me feel this way.

Conversation.

Every now and then, the biggest dilemmas of our life get reduced to just one question, do you have faith?
The strange thing of this moments is that when they come most people will try to answer that they do have faith, and then plead to god for some help.
In my case, since I don't believe in any kind of god, I must think quite a lot before answering that kind of questions.
-Do I have Faith?
-No
-Why?
-you never specified faith in what, therefore when nothing is specified, the answer is no.
-faith in god?
-no
-faith in people?
-used to have faith that people were constantly evolving, improving, and would learn from their mistakes, but that is lost, at least for now.
-faith in yourself?
-No. I do know I'm really good at some things, but do not have faith in me.
-Faith in a master plan?
-No
-Do you have any kind of faith? Any kind would do.
-once again I must answer no.
-What do you think will happen with humanity then, if you have no faith at all?
-Sad to say, I believe that we are fucked. All of humanity will be thrown into the claws of oblivion one of this days, and there will be no record to indicate we ever existed.
-Isn't your line of thought a little bit over pessimistic?
-I'm not pessimistic, I'm realistic. We kill each other, we steal from each other, we cheat, we lie, and I could continue enumerating.
-But what about love, compassion, and all the good people around the world?
-Let me ask you something, how many innocents died in "Holy" wars? how many innocents died when one country invaded another one to fight for their freedom, but  all they cared about was their natural resources? Do the maths, one saved do not compensate for hundreds. In the greater picture, we are fucked.
-...
-yes.
-... I guess that would be all then
-as you wish.
-I feel like killing my self now.
-Please don't, you are part of me.
-Aw, you care for me...
-Actually no, but you are a voice inside my head, and there is a great chance that by killing yourself you would actually hurt me.
-ah, touche mon ami, or should I say, my host?

have a good night.

Decisions

I woke up one morning, it was nothing more than that, just another morning in my regular life. Nothing special was bound to happen, but thing usually don´t go the way you expect it. There I was walking down the street like every other morning, at the exact same time, the same way I have been doing it for the past four years.
As I bumped through the people on the street, keeping my head down, just moving I never stopped to think or look at others, I never did, I always felt inferior in some way, even though I´m taller, more educated, or whatever, I feel inferior because I don´t care much about myself, and that is the truth.
But why would I tell a story of something that is normal, as in every story there must be a reason for it to be told. This day, even though I didn't knew it yet, was bound to be my last day on this world.
As I was waiting for my coffee this incredible woman came through the door, she had this inner light, so strong, so bright that even a blind man could see her. I had met her before and we were, to call it somehow, friends. After no consideration of the possible ramifications I decided to go to her and ask her out. She looked at me, and with shocked expression, told me that she would never go out with me. I did expected that result, but what I did not expected were the reaction that my mind would have.
I grabbed my coffee, and left the building. Waked in silence the remaining way towards my office, and sat down at my desk, looking through the window.
As I drank my coffee my mind started to analyze the force that breaking the glass would require, and the amount of possible damage that I would receive from a four story fall.
As I was falling together with broken glass I saw a bus coming. Instead of hitting the floor as expected, I landed in the roof of the bus, and bounced off to the floor. sadly for me I wasn't killed immediately. As I felt the blood leaving my body someone approached through the crowd. It was the girl that had just rejected me. She looked me in the eye and asked me why.
With the last of my strengths I told her, that her rejection was the last one I could handle and I wanted this to happen I wanted to let go. She looked me in the eye, and said something that I was unable to understand, all I know is that she was smiling, and called me an idiot.
Everything started to fade away, and as I was in my final moments I thought to my self about the decisions we make in life.

Is there ever a good decision?

Life

Everybody claims every now and then having a life changing event, something that opens their eyes and makes them see life in a completely different way.

Well, last week I had a life threatening event, while on the on my car, my wife and I had an accident, the car lost control and flipped twice before stopping. As I was flipping in the air, my brain said "well, you will not get to tell this story" but actually it was kind of wrong.

As incredible it might seem, my wife and I were able to get out of the car walking, with no more damage than a couple of bruises, and some minor concussions.

The thing is, that maybe because my brain actually believed that I was supposed to die at that moment, but I still can´t feel happy for having survived. I wake up in the middle of the night, in fright as I recall the accident as I try to sleep.

So if this was supposed to change my life in some magical way for better it kind of failed, it just scarred me a bit more.

I hope some day be able to feel happy, but for the time being, I can´t.

Identity

If you search for Melkor, you'll get thousands of results, some are mine, some are not. But there is no correlation between my nickname and my real name nowhere to be found. Even more, if you search my real name, there are over 8000000 results, and there is only one that's me, my LinkedIn profile.
No, I do not have Facebook, tweeter, Myspace, Google+, or any kind of social space. The only one I have is my LinkedIn, for work purposes.
I feel really proud of this, my internet anonymity is one of my greatest achievements.
This takes me to my next point.

Who are we? We are what we know, who we know, and the way we move along our lives. I have been very careful to leave as few marks as possible in my life so far. Most people I knew are unable to remember me after a couple of years, and only a handful will be able to remember me for an extended period of time even if we didn't spoke, or see each other for a while.


I don't know if this is good or bad, at least I know not many people will suffer when I'm gone.

Changing subject, tomorrow I'll start my new job, basically is the same job I have been doing for a year now, but instead of being subcontracted, I'm now an official employee.

I'm kind of proud about it, the challenge is big, and I'll have to interact with lots of different people and companies, so, we'll see how good I'm covering my tracks.

So, before I go, and as the pain killers start to kick in (yes my wrist still hurts), I'll try to write something more.



I think I woke up, I'm not sure about it, my body felt as if in a dream, but everything was clear.
All I could see was this huge lake, or maybe an ocean, at a distance an island, and some boats sailing towards it.
-where are we- a voice asked
-In the purgatory- answered a hooded creature.
Great, now I'm dead. I approached the hooded one, and asked -Who am I?- he then turned and I was able to see under the hood. The image felt really normal, and didn't frighten me. It looked as a skull, but at the same time full of life, and light.
-The river shall answer that question- it said, while pointing towards an empty boat.
So, I sat on the boat an started rowing.
After a while, I don't know how long it was, I got tired of it and decided to stop. I looked at the water, and asked myself who was I.
-You are one- the sound came from the water, but had no fixed source.
-One?- I asked, still wondering who I was talking to.
-Yes, one, look around to the other boats, they are all with someone, you are one-
-But why?- I must admit I felt frightened at that point, the voice was right, I was alone.
-Every now and then we get one, only them can answer why- the voice felt calm, and peaceful so I started to relax
-What will happen if I can't answer the question?-
-You'll stay here until you do, this is your challenge-
-Challenge?-
-To reach the island, you must solve the challenge-
-What is on that island?-
-Heaven or Hell, your destiny awaits-
-But I don't believe in heaven or hell-
-And what does that mean?- the voice changed tone, so I knew I was getting close to a real answer
-Since I don't believe in neither, there is no one to judge me, or to make me company for all eternity, that's why I'm one!-

The voice in the water gave no answer, all of the sudden a great wave rose from the calm, and covered me.

I woke up in this body, and my memories started to fade with the passing of each new day, I was new, and I knew it.